I've been thinking lately about my experience with suicide and the choice that I have made in order to stop myself from choosing that path. I remember once, when I was very depressed and suicidal, a conversation I had with one of my therapists. After being torn down by others, I told my therapist that I wanted to get back at those people by killing myself. I could imagine myself dead, those individuals who hurt me finding out, and their lives dramatically changing because they "caused it". My therapist just stared at me for a minute. After the awkward pause she gave me the funniest look. Then she said to me, "So, you're going to throw you life away, your future, your family, all you've done, just to make those insignificant people feel bad?" This question dawned on me. I had never thought of it that way. I was being so selfish. Why would anyone do that? I was in high school, hadn't even lived my life, and was willing to toss it all out the window just to prove a point. How stupid.
I think about this conversation a lot now. Anytime people say something that offends me or makes me cry, I just have to remember that they won't be in my life forever. I get to choose who stays in my life and who makes me happy. If I would have killed myself after that incident, sure those people would feel bad for a while. But who knows? Maybe it wouldn't phase them at all.
Also, if it did phase those people, what if I ruined their lives? I didn't even think that maybe, just maybe, It could change them in the worst way. I didn't think about how that could truly impact someone and their future, having to carry that burden. Again, how selfish of me...
Life is so much more than bullies and drama queens. I have hope that someday I'll get married, have children, and feel safe. I have hope that life really does get better. I already know that life is more than just high school. And I'm not going to give up my life just to make someone else feel bad about theirs.
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