Something 'bout Suicide

I've been thinking lately about my experience with suicide and the choice that I have made in order to stop myself from choosing that path. I remember once, when I was very depressed and suicidal, a conversation I had with one of my therapists. After being torn down by others, I told my therapist that I wanted to get back at those people by killing myself. I could imagine myself dead, those individuals who hurt me finding out, and their lives dramatically changing because they "caused it". My therapist just stared at me for a minute. After the awkward pause she gave me the funniest look. Then she said to me, "So, you're going to throw you life away, your future, your family, all you've done, just to make those insignificant people feel bad?" This question dawned on me. I had never thought of it that way. I was being so selfish. Why would anyone do that? I was in high school, hadn't even lived my life, and was willing to toss it all out the window just to prove a point. How stupid.
I think about this conversation a lot now. Anytime people say something that offends me or makes me cry, I just have to remember that they won't be in my life forever. I get to choose who stays in my life and who makes me happy. If I would have killed myself after that incident, sure those people would feel bad for a while. But who knows? Maybe it wouldn't phase them at all.
Also, if it did phase those people, what if I ruined their lives? I didn't even think that maybe, just maybe, It could change them in the worst way. I didn't think about how that could truly impact someone and their future, having to carry that burden. Again, how selfish of me...
Life is so much more than bullies and drama queens. I have hope that someday I'll get married, have children, and feel safe. I have hope that life really does get better. I already know that life is more than just high school. And I'm not going to give up my life just to make someone else feel bad about theirs.

Fight.

http://youtu.be/LVxon65u3tA
Been having a really tough time these past couple weeks, but someone shared this song with me and I love it. It's perfect.

Slip. Lapse.. Relapse...

Slip:to slide suddenly or involuntarily; to lose one's foothold, as on a smooth surface
Lapse:an accidental or temporary decline or deviation from an expected or accepted condition or state; a temporary falling or slipping from a previous standard 
Relapse: to fall back into illness after convalescence or apparent recovery.

LOVE

"Words of hope and encouragement come from Christ. Anytime you feel down on yourself, remember that those thoughts are LIES. You are incredible. You are beautiful. You are wonderful, important, wise, and loved. Remember the truth. And listen to it."

The Question that Stopped Me

This was one of the questions that always popped into my head while considering suicide. Of course I don't know the answer, but I like to think that God will have mercy on those who struggle so much that they have the want to end their own lives. My doctor and good friend once told me that God would never stop loving you. He made an analogy that goes along the lines of, "if you come home from school early, and your parents find out, will they stop loving you? No. They will be sad and disappointed, but will never cease to love you. The same goes for your Heavenly Father. He won't stop loving you if you come 'home' early, but he will feel despair and sadness that you felt the need to give up. He wants us to succeed. He will never cease to love us." 

Existence is Worthwhile

So since it is almost Christmas, I wanted to share something that touches me and shares the spirit of Christmas. Each year my family watches the movie, "It's a Wonderful Life", and each year I get something different out of it. In the past having felt the same feelings that George Bailey feels, I cry every time I watch this movie. I remember thinking that I didn't want to exist. The thought of never being born was so appealing to me at that time in my life. With the help of my family and my Heavenly Father I eventually got those thoughts out of my head, but I will never forget what they felt like. When I watch this classic, instead of seeing it as a regular Christmas movie, I see it as a reminder that every individual's life is important. Tonight while watching "It's a Wonderful Life", the quote "Each man's life touches so many other lives, and when he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?" was the one to touch me. If we look back on our lives and imagine them without ourselves ever being born, we will notice the "awful hole" that is mentioned. Everyone matters. We all touch the lives of others. If you haven't see "It's a Wonderful Life", I encourage you to do so and remember that nothing is worth more than one's existence. Oh, and Merry Christmas!

If You Could Change One Thing About Your Body, What Would it Be?

http://youtu.be/f0tEcxLDDd4