Beautiful People

Stay Strong.

Dove Onslaught

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uueYISh1snA

Seemed...

"Seemed" was the key word in my last post. Recovery "seemed impossible". A few months after talking to my mom, we decided that we couldn't do it on our own. I had just gotten mouth surgey and was really depressed when my mom told me I needed more help. I didn't want to accept that I needed it, but I knew I did. The day that Breaking Dawn Part 1 came out was the first day I saw my therapist. I was scared to death. I thought therapy was only for crazy people. Later I found out that I was one of those crazy people. I couldn't see myself clearly. I had all or nothing thinking. I would find ways to get out of things that normal people do, like eat. I went to extreme measures to get my way. I wasn't all the way convinced that I had an eating disorder. I wasn't emaciated, I was a healthy weight. Most of the world thinks that in order to have an eating disorder, you have to weigh a certain number to qualify. That is not true. Anyone could have an eating disorder. I learned all about this in therapy. I learned a lot about myself. I learned that the world's perspective is not rational. The media tries to kill people to make money. Although some things "seem" important now, don't forget the things that really matter, because everything is not as it seems...

Life is Hard. But Worth it.

Facing Reality

After a few months I was doing even worse. I wasnt feeling any better. If possible I was even feeling worse... In September I got in the biggest fight with one of my friends I had ever gotten in. We were texting and I was trying to be a peace maker and be nice, but other friends got involved, and we had more problems. After that we made up, but lots of tears were being cried for a few nights. After that things were never the same with us. The good part about that fight was that I talked to my mom about it, and I became a lot closer to her. I'll never regret that. That stupid fight helped to save my life. The night that my friend and I talked, lead to me telling my mom about my eating disorder. I sat out on my front porch with my mom and sister-in-law. I cried and cried before any words would come out. I didn't know how to tell her that I was literally killing myself from the inside out. Telling your mom that you hate the life she gave you is the worst feeling that you could ever feel. Luckily my mom had already caught on. She knew I was struggling, and needed help. We talked about it for a while and decided we would try recovery on our own. I couldn't do it on my own. It was not something that you can just stop. It is an addiction, and it's the hardest addiction to fight. People with eating disorders face their addictions everyday. Alcoholics and drug addicts can just remove that substance. We have to face food everyday. If you eat too much you have an eating disorder. If you don't eat enough you still have an eating disorder. It seemed impossible.

All of the Fresh Men. And Sophomores.

Summer of 2010 was pretty good with all of my new friends. 9th grade started and I was a freshman. Still at the junior high, but we ruled the school. Ninth grade was the best out of junior high school. When you're a freshman you get more field trips, less homework, more partying, and better teachers. This was the first year I actually liked all of my teachers. Some of them I'm even friends with on Facebook (shhh). Mercedes, Kadie, Nadia, Ashley, and Reggie were by my side the whole time. We hungout everyday at lunch, and every single weekend. We always had so much fun watching Pretty Little Liars, and having dance parties in basements. We were stick like glue. During all of this time I was really struggling, but no one knew... I hated myself to the point that I would just look in the mirror and cry. I would cry myself to sleep at night. I wouldn't talk to anyone about how I was feeling. I knew no one could understand. This kept on through the summer. Not only did I stop eating certain foods and past a certain time, if I was too full I would make myself throw up. I thought I was so fat that I didn't deserve to have what others had. By the time 10th grade hit, I was almost at my worst. I was throwing up almost everything I ate and still barely eating anything. I was a huge perfectionist too, and had to get a 4.00 to live, (so I thought). I think that my friends eventually caught on to what was happening. One day my friends and I were getting ready for a dance and one of them said something about anorexia. She turned to me a few seconds later and said "You're not anorexic, are you?". I immediately responded with a no. I ignored it during the dance, but after I felt like I had to tell someone. My brother who's closest to me in age already knew, but he didn't know how to help. So that night when I got home I called my best friend and told her that I was struggling with an eating disorder. She tried to tell me that I was beautiful and I wasn't fat, but nothing could convince me. I knew the truth, and everyone else was just lying to me...

Bad to Worse. Better to Best.

6th grade started out like every other school year. I was terrified of my new teacher. Mr. Jolley. He was probably the scariest teacher in the school. I dreaded the first day. Once it came, everything changed in my mind. Mr. Jolley was hilarious. He wasn't scary at all! My class was also hilarious! I could tell this would be a great year. I made a whole new group of friends now. I hungout with girls and boys. I was in the school play, Aladdin. I actually had a social life. I had friends, and I got to hangout. In 6th grade we got to make paper machae monsters. We got to make gingerbread houses for Christmas. We got to go toThe Space Center. It was without a doubt, the best year of my elementary years. It was all fun and games, until my friends didn't like me anymore. They thought I was annoying. They didn't think I was cute or fun. They stopped calling, and when I called they wouldn't answer. Suddenly what was the best year ever, was now the worst. I didn't have close friends for a while. I talked to people, but I never hungout with them. One day I became friends with a new group. There were 4 of us. All girls. All just wanted to make the best of life. They didn't judge me, and we hungout everyday. These were my new friends. All through the summer we hungout. I thought we were inseparable, until we had to go back to another year of school. And not just any year, we were going to junior high. We had been prepared for 6 years now to be able to go, but I was scared out of my mind. We would have 8 classes, 8 teachers, and 8 times the amount of homework. I think it's safe to say that 7th grade was one of the worst. I lost my close friends I made because I didn't have classes with them. I couldn't make any new friends because I had too many classes. My teachers did not like me. I'm not just assuming, they really did not like me. By this time, I got over my fear of being loud. I talked to anyone and everyone. Teachers hate that. I thought 8th grade would be better, but it wasnt. It was just as bad as the year before. My teachers were better, but I really had no friends. Mikkia was my only friend. All of my other "friends" talked about me behind my back and thought I was annoying. Right here is where I started to slip. I realized that there was something wrong with me. Boys never liked me. I didn't have good friends. I was fat and I was ugly. From this point on everything changed, and I still don't know if it was for the better or worst. Even though I hated life, and myself, I was able to make good friends that are to this day some of my best friends I've ever had. I met Mercedes, Kadie, Nadia, Ashley, and Reggie. They were true friends. They didn't talk about me. They always invited me places. They loved to have fun. These are the girls that helped to save my life.

Trying Hard

After the first few weeks I finally got used to my new home. I didn't like it, but I was used to it. I got made fun of for clothes and other things. I was used to that too. I eventually made friends who lived near by. Jaisi and Catie were my first best friends in Alpine. We walked home from school together everyday, and got to play almost everyday. I remember making up games like "Mystical Creatures", and other things that 7 year olds like. After second grade I mostly just played with the girls in my ward. They were always close, and easiest to play with. That summer all we did was live the best lives we could. Next thing I knew I was going into third grade. I got Miss. Hadfield as my teacher. Not that I cared, I didn't have any idea who she was... That year was great. I have limited memories from third grade, but I remember meeting one of my best friends Mikkia. She was in my ward, but I never got to know her until we were in the same class. We then walked home together everyday. I also met Aimee in Miss. Hadfield's class. She also became one of my best friends. We both liked the same boy, so we related to each other alot. Fourth grade was an amazing year. I had two teachers, Mrs. Pendleton and Mrs. Olsen. I will never forget the impact they had on my life. These two teacher helped me gain more self confidence than I had ever had. I was one of the most shy girls in the school at this time. I never talked, and when I did, no one could hear me. Mrs. Pendleton always called me "Quiet Mandy". I knew I was quiet, and I didn't care. Once I met some of my friends in this class, I didn't want to be shy anymore. They were all really pretty and really outgoing. People seemed to like them. I tried to be myself, but I couldn't get myself to do it for a long time. I eventually got a hold on how to do it, but not for a long time. This year was a struggle for me, because my dear brother left on a two year mission to Rome, Italy. I wasnt used to not having my oldest brother around. At the end of fourth grade I found out that most of my good friends were switching schools. I was really sad because I had just recently become good friends with all of these girls. Even the girls in my ward were going to a new charter school. I was upset, but there's nothing I could do. Life goes on. My 10th birthday was that summer, so I got to see all of my friends again at my party. It was only one day, but I felt so popular. I was still shy, so at my own party people didn't notice me much. Unless the spotlight was on me, someone else was always getting the attention, which was fine with me. The rest of that summer I don't remember, but I know lots of things stayed the same. Starting fifth grade was a huge deal to me. I had Mrs. Largie for my teacher. She was new at our school. The first day I met her, I liked her. She was super nice to all of the kids in my class, and was good at teaching. I didn't like my class alot, but I still had a few friends that I could always talk to. To be honest, fifth grade wasnt a very significant year of my life, and I barely remember any of it. So I'll move on to the next chapter of my life. That summer was the best and the worst. Here's why it was the worst. A week before my 11th birthday my Grandma and Grandpa Hymas went to visit my uncle in Alambama. The Sunday before they left my grandma told me they would be back on that next Monday to celebrate my birthday with me. The next thing I knew I was sick in bed with strep throat. This isn't the bad part yet... I was used to getting strep. I got it almost every year, and it was normally around Christmas and my birthday. It wasnt a big deal. While lying on my parents bed I got the worst news I had gotten in my life up to that point. My mom came in and told me to pray for my grandma. She to me that she was in the hospital and they didn't know what was wrong. Me, being a ten year old girl, freaked out. My grandma was one of my best friends, what if something happened to her? I don't remember much else, but my mom coming in again later telling me that my uncle called and said that the doctors didn't think my grandma would make it. She had a brain hemirage, and was in a coma. I immediately started crying, and I don't think I stopped for a few days. Next thing I knew, it was my birthday. My grandma said she would be here, but she wasnt. She couldn't come that year. But my parents announced to me that they were also leaving. They had to drive with my bishop to Alabama, and get my grandparents. Wow, great birthday for me. The good part is that I got to go sleep at Josh and Sarah's house until my parents got home. To most people, it would seem like my birthday was ruined, but it wasnt. It was Josh and Sarah's little brother Jake's birthday too. Their mom came and picked me up, and off we went. I still got my party. It wasnt what I would have expected, but it was still a great birthday. Plus I got to live with my best friends for 4 days! Later that week my parents were home. I was at my clarinet lesson when my mom rushed in and told me that my grandma had stopped breathing. I got dropped off at my neighbors while my mom and grandpa worked things out. My grandma ended up dying on June 22nd. Although this was the hardest thing my family had been through, we knew that God could help us through. And He did.

The Next Chapter

Driving away from my home in Orem was the hardest thing I had been through at this point. The night we got home I didn't help unpack. It was a snowy night in January, and nothing seemed better than a warm fire. I curled up in my Raggedy Anne blanket, and sat next to the fireplace in my new house. I watched as my family, mostly mom and dad, carried in hundreds of boxes. All of my precious things packed away in these pieces of cardboard. It hit me that we were here to stay. This was my new home. Many neighbors came over and greeted us in the first few weeks we were moving in. I met a few girls, but none my age. All of the girls in my neighborhood were a little older or younger than me. I remember getting invited to our neighbors house for dinner the first Sunday we were there. I came home from church that day because I was feeling sick. While my parents were at church meeting our new ward, I was at hone throwing up. I had bacon that morning for breakfast, and I could taste it every time the vomit came up. When my family got home, they were getting ready to go to the neighbors for dinner. I felt sick still, but I couldn't miss out on a chance to meet new people, so I went. We had a nice dinner, and talked for a while after. Their 6 year old and I got bored quickly, and run upstairs to play. Her older sister wanted to make a movie, so we helped. I have no idea what the movie was about because I was busy trying to keep my dinner down the entire time. The girl I was with kept punching me in the stomach... I still don't understand why someone you just barely met would punch you in the stomach, but she did over and over and over again, once we were done filming our movie, I ran downstairs. I went straight to my mom to tell her I was going to throw up. She was quick, and grabbed her glass of water. Yeah, that didn't do it... I puked everywhere! All over our neighbors floor. What a way to get to know people. Let me tell you, if you want someone to remember you for a good story, just puke on their floor the first time you meet them. It really works. I have not eaten bacon since that day. Not sure if it was just because of the flavor of my vomit, or what, but I cannot stand to eat it. After this experience I became good friends with the girl that punched me in the stomach. I went over to her house alot. She was the only person I knew until I went to school. The first day at my new school was horrible. I was still sick, but I had to go. I started at 8:00. My mom, brother, and I drove down the road until we got there. We went to meet the principal, and then dropped my brother off to his 5th grade class. Next was my turn. I got to my new classroom, and all I saw was boys. I was the only girl in the early schedule. I later found out that there was one other girl named Kira, but she was gone that day. Great... So I spent that first morning trying my best not to get Cooties, but try to make the best of it. My teacher did a great job if trying to help me feel comfortable, but I was really shy, and I didn't talk to her when she asked me questions. At 9:15 all the other kids came storming in. To my delight, every single one was a girl. Well, besides the two boys. But I finally had girls to talk to. They all asked me about myself, where I was from, where I live now, what my favorite color was. All that jazz. The day got better as it went on, but I honestly don't remember much of it.

When it Changed

To start off from where I ended, I'll say that first grade was a blast. During the summer before second grade I had many adventures. Playing Pizza Ogre, and earthquake across the street everyday. We didn't care what you looked like or how old you were, we just wanted to play. My entire neighborhood came outside to play together. My cousins live across the street from my family at this time also. Sierra, who is two years you get than me, was one if my best friends. She was born with a different shaped throat, so I remember alot of the time my cute little cousin being in the hospital for surgeries, and different speech classes. Though she was a good friend, Sarah and I were often rude to her. She was often left out and made fun of, and now I regret every second of that. She moved to Heriman, Utah sometime around this time and I barely got to see her. When second Grade started I was so excited. I had heard from older friends that second grade was their favorite grade. I had Mrs. Joyal for second grade,and she was the coolest. She was young and beautiful, and she liked to have fun. At this time in my life I remember girls being rude a lot. I included in 'girls'. I remember lots of drama, and lots of reading fairytales. It wasn't very far I to the school year when I found out I was moving. This news was heartbreaking for a seven year old. I didn't want my life to change. I couldn't move away from my best friends. I wanted to stay in that little house forever. My brothers and I argued with my parents for a long time, but in the end we lost. We were to move in January to Alpine. Alpine? I didn't even know where that was. It was 30 minutes away! That was so far, I couldn't do it. I couldn't leave Josh and Sarah. But I didn't have a choice. My parents had bought the house, and I was leaving. I didn't tell anyone that I was leaving until the day of. At school I gathered my things and told everyone I wasn't coming back. No one really cared since we were only in second grade. That day I remember driving past some of my friends houses on the huge moving can, as they looked at me in confusion. Even the girls in my ward didn't know I was leaving. The only good part of Alpine was that my Grandma and Grandpa Hymas lived there. Other than that, nothing else was good. There would never be anything for me in Alpine. As a second grader, nothing was good about moving.

Still the Beginning

Life was perfect back then. I had problems with my brothers babysitting, (like my brother locking me in my room, or picking me up by my hands and feet,and throwing me again the couch on the count of three) but it usually ended up being okay. When I was 4 years old I got to start preschool at The Little Red School House. I was so excited. I remember going there and being dropped off with Josh my best friend. I was wearing a dress like I normally did, and had my Barney backpack on my shoulders. I don't remember much of that year except we had playtime in the back with all of the little dogs. I thought they were evil, (dogs weren't my thing back then). I also remember reading out of alphabet books to help us learn to read. For my preschool graduation we all wore red caps and gowns, and we got to read from the alphabet books in front of everyone's families. Once preschool ended, Josh and I were headed off to the big kid school. We finally got to go to Orem Elementary. All of our siblings went there too, so we got to be with them at school. We only lived a few blocks away from the school, so we walked home everyday after school. Josh and I got the same teacher that year. We were put in Mrs. Davis' class. Kindergarten was the best because we learned more than just the alphabet. We got to learn history, math, and art too. When we had recess, we had the whole place to ourselves. None of the big kids got to go out at the same time as us. I remember playing "kissing tag", and other games that 5 year-olds played. Josh was still my best friend, but in kindergarten you meet a lot of new people, so I had a lot more friends now. I remember Gabby, Rachel, Katlyn, Maren, and Josh's older sister Sarah. All of my friends were in my LDS ward. I got to see them everyday because we all lived so close, and I even got to see them at church. After kindergarten it was time to move on to first grade. Josh and I were, again, put in the same class. We had Mrs. Stock this year. Most of first grade was a blur, but I do specifically remember having one week where each student was spotlighted. I do not remember my own spotlight, but I do remember Josh's. His had a huge picture of our friend Daniel kissing me on the cheek, and Josh sticking his tongue out at Daniel. It was so embarrassing. I'm sure I was made fun of for a whole hour. Like I said before though, much of first grade I can't remember. But I know life was still pretty easy back then. Besides getting made fun of for maybe an hour because of a picture of me being kissed, and picking which crayon to use next, life was great.

How it Began

Well I'll start by saying that my life began on the 18th of June, of 1996. I was the fourth child born into my family, and the first girl. For my parents it was exciting to finally have a girl, but also very different from having boys. I don't remember much from when I was young, but I remember my cute little house, and my crazy older brothers. Most people think that I, being the youngest and only girl,was a spoiled brat. Yes, this is the case in many families, but not in mine. I believe that while growing up, my brothers and I were all treated pretty equally. They didn't get the torture and teasing that I got from older brothers, but our parents lived all if us just the same. I had what seemed like the perfect life. I had all the toys I wanted, I had a fun backyard, and my best friends lived right across the street from me. Life was a dream back then. Outside everyday playing process and prince. Coming inside for Dino nuggets and ketchup for lunch. Nothing could be better. I suppose this is the beginning of my life. The easiest part. Back then I would have never imagined all that I would go through in the next few years.