Fat is Not a Feeling.

I went to therapy weekly with this therapist. She honestly became one of my best friends. I could tell her everything, and bound by law, she couldn't tell anyone. I learned a lot of things about my eating disorder and about myself. One thing I learned that I will never forget, is that 'fat' is not a feeling. I would have to check in with my therapist and tell her how I was feeling. I often said "fat" or "ugly". I quickly learned that those are not feelings. Those were cover ups for what I was really feeling. I was really feeling sad, angry, frustrated, or stressed. I used the words fat and ugly to describe how I thought I was feeling. One thing I learned about myself during my therapy sessions was that I was a huge perfectionist. I had never really thought of myself that way until it was pointed out, and I realized I obsessed over everything, I had to have perfect grades, I had to look perfect, my room had to be perfect. It was all about being perfect. My perfectionism was one of the leading factors of my eating disorder. I thought in order to be perfect, I had to have the unrealistic perfect body. During this time of my life I learned alot about my eating disorder, but I still wanted to keep it. People would ask me if I was proud that I are that meal, or ask me if I wanted to recover. No. I didn't want to recover. I wasnt proud of myself. I wanted to be happy, but I wanted to keep my eating disorder. Those two things do not mix. I wasnt happy because I was alone. I would isolate from my best friends. I wouldn't tell anyone how I was really feeling. I couldn't find joy in anything. The things I had once loved, were now boring and just tired me out. Happiness cannot come with an eating disorder. It's the exact opposite of happiness... Another thing I learned about myself was that I couldn't see clearly. Glasses couldn't fix this problem. Today I still don't understand how I don't see what others see, but I just have to accept the fact that I don't. One day in therapy my therapist pulled out a jump rope. She asked me to let it out on the floor and make it the size that I thought my waist was. I looked at her like she was crazy, but I did it anyway. I made the circle the size that I though I was. She put a clip on it and marked it. Then she picked it up and wrapped it around my waist. I don't know how, but what I thought I looked like was actually twice as big as what I looked like. Honestly I still don't understand it. I don't know how my mind could have made me think that I was twice as big as I was. Scientifically it doesn't make any sense. Your eyes see what is there, but somehow my eating disorder made me see what wasnt there. It made me 'feel' fat. And it wasn't real, because 'fat' is not a feeling.