Beautiful People

Stay Strong.

Dove Onslaught

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uueYISh1snA

Seemed...

"Seemed" was the key word in my last post. Recovery "seemed impossible". A few months after talking to my mom, we decided that we couldn't do it on our own. I had just gotten mouth surgey and was really depressed when my mom told me I needed more help. I didn't want to accept that I needed it, but I knew I did. The day that Breaking Dawn Part 1 came out was the first day I saw my therapist. I was scared to death. I thought therapy was only for crazy people. Later I found out that I was one of those crazy people. I couldn't see myself clearly. I had all or nothing thinking. I would find ways to get out of things that normal people do, like eat. I went to extreme measures to get my way. I wasn't all the way convinced that I had an eating disorder. I wasn't emaciated, I was a healthy weight. Most of the world thinks that in order to have an eating disorder, you have to weigh a certain number to qualify. That is not true. Anyone could have an eating disorder. I learned all about this in therapy. I learned a lot about myself. I learned that the world's perspective is not rational. The media tries to kill people to make money. Although some things "seem" important now, don't forget the things that really matter, because everything is not as it seems...

Life is Hard. But Worth it.

Facing Reality

After a few months I was doing even worse. I wasnt feeling any better. If possible I was even feeling worse... In September I got in the biggest fight with one of my friends I had ever gotten in. We were texting and I was trying to be a peace maker and be nice, but other friends got involved, and we had more problems. After that we made up, but lots of tears were being cried for a few nights. After that things were never the same with us. The good part about that fight was that I talked to my mom about it, and I became a lot closer to her. I'll never regret that. That stupid fight helped to save my life. The night that my friend and I talked, lead to me telling my mom about my eating disorder. I sat out on my front porch with my mom and sister-in-law. I cried and cried before any words would come out. I didn't know how to tell her that I was literally killing myself from the inside out. Telling your mom that you hate the life she gave you is the worst feeling that you could ever feel. Luckily my mom had already caught on. She knew I was struggling, and needed help. We talked about it for a while and decided we would try recovery on our own. I couldn't do it on my own. It was not something that you can just stop. It is an addiction, and it's the hardest addiction to fight. People with eating disorders face their addictions everyday. Alcoholics and drug addicts can just remove that substance. We have to face food everyday. If you eat too much you have an eating disorder. If you don't eat enough you still have an eating disorder. It seemed impossible.

All of the Fresh Men. And Sophomores.

Summer of 2010 was pretty good with all of my new friends. 9th grade started and I was a freshman. Still at the junior high, but we ruled the school. Ninth grade was the best out of junior high school. When you're a freshman you get more field trips, less homework, more partying, and better teachers. This was the first year I actually liked all of my teachers. Some of them I'm even friends with on Facebook (shhh). Mercedes, Kadie, Nadia, Ashley, and Reggie were by my side the whole time. We hungout everyday at lunch, and every single weekend. We always had so much fun watching Pretty Little Liars, and having dance parties in basements. We were stick like glue. During all of this time I was really struggling, but no one knew... I hated myself to the point that I would just look in the mirror and cry. I would cry myself to sleep at night. I wouldn't talk to anyone about how I was feeling. I knew no one could understand. This kept on through the summer. Not only did I stop eating certain foods and past a certain time, if I was too full I would make myself throw up. I thought I was so fat that I didn't deserve to have what others had. By the time 10th grade hit, I was almost at my worst. I was throwing up almost everything I ate and still barely eating anything. I was a huge perfectionist too, and had to get a 4.00 to live, (so I thought). I think that my friends eventually caught on to what was happening. One day my friends and I were getting ready for a dance and one of them said something about anorexia. She turned to me a few seconds later and said "You're not anorexic, are you?". I immediately responded with a no. I ignored it during the dance, but after I felt like I had to tell someone. My brother who's closest to me in age already knew, but he didn't know how to help. So that night when I got home I called my best friend and told her that I was struggling with an eating disorder. She tried to tell me that I was beautiful and I wasn't fat, but nothing could convince me. I knew the truth, and everyone else was just lying to me...