Forgive and Forget

Treatment was definitely one of the best and the worst times of my life. I'm so grateful for the experiences I had, and the people that I met. But a lot of really hard things happened while I was there too. I had a lot of family issues going on at the same time, and behind the scenes I was being sexually harassed. Although I didn't get along really well with my first therapist in treatment, I am forever grateful for her encouraging me to talk to my dad about the way I felt. I had family therapy every two weeks for a while, and it changed my life. I became so much closer to my parents than I could ever imagine.
 After a while I couldn't work with my therapist anymore. I felt bad when I messed up, and I found that she made me feel even worse about it. I switched to another therapist, and started all over again... I felt really comfortable by now telling people my life story. I told her everything, and she quickly realized that I was really hard on myself. She had me doing assignments to improve my body image, and self esteem. They helped a little, but I couldn't understand how I could ever love myself. I had always hated myself. Why should I suddenly love myself? I was worthless, there was nothing to love. I'm sure it would have been easier to love myself if I wasn't constantly being harassed, but I still never told anyone. No one knew until Mother's Day of 2013...
I remember the day before Mother's Day. It was the day of Prom. I was so excited because I was going with one of my very best friends. I got to feel like a princess for the night, and be with all of my friends. When we got to the dance, the first people we saw were my older brother and his girl friend. We walked in with them, but split up once inside. We walked around looking for all my friends while music blasted and the floor shook. I found my best friends and stayed with them the whole time. I felt great! People everywhere dancing, saying hi, and yelling out the lyrics of the songs. It was a huge party, and I had so much fun until the dance was over and I went to get my bag. Of course, the first thing I did was check my phone. I had a few really long texts. The second I saw the name my stomach dropped. It was my ex-best friend. I knew I was about to feel horrible about myself... I quickly read the texts while my heart raced. She was mad because someone had told her that I said that I hated her. That 'someone' just happened to be the boy who sexually harassed me, and hated me for rejecting him. I honestly have no idea how they even knew each other, but I knew this was going to cause huge problems. I explained to her that I didn't talk to him anymore because of certain things he had said to me. I told her why he hated me. I told her that she ruined my Prom, and if she was only going to text me to make me feel bad, to never text me again. She felt bad for everything she had said, and wanted to hear more about what happened with my family and with the boy. I told her I didn't want to talk about it, but that I would see her at church the next day.
That day at church I just sat there feeling anxious beyond belief. As soon as our first meeting ended my brother and I came home to eat before going to the next meeting. While walking home I got a text from the kid. The kid who hated me more than ever now. He asked me why I told the girl all of the things that I did. I replied with "cause it's true...". He was really mad, and I understand why. I pushed his buttons a little too hard. We fought back and forth for a while until I decided I was done. I remember saying in my mind "I'm done. Nothing is worth how I feel right now." Right then and there I decided to end my life. I took as many pills as I could find, and sent a text to my best friend saying goodbye. I sat in my room hating myself. I cut myself and burned myself worse than I ever had. I laid there shaking and bleeding, waiting for my death to come. I wasn't afraid at all. I was ready to be done.
The next thing I knew my parents came running in and flooded me with questions. Half an hour later I was on my way to the E.R. I was admitted, and got a whole lot of needles in me. I had to drink charcoal to absorb all of the drugs I had taken. I can honestly say that it was the grossest thing I have ever tasted. I was there for the rest of the day. I had ruined my mom's Mother's Day all because I was being selfish. It ended up okay because she got to be with my whole family. But we were also all together in the emergency room.
My social worker came in, and two days later I was put back into my treatment for eating disorders, this time I had to stay there overnight...
I'm not saying that I have completely forgiven everyone in my life for the pain that they caused me, but I am working hard to do so. I understand that no one is perfect. I cannot expect them to be, and they shouldn't expect it of me.