Never Good Enough

Lately I've been feeling pretty bad about myself. I feel worthless. I feel like no matter how hard I try, I'll never be worthy of anyone's love. And I feel that no matter how hard I pray, I'm not getting any answers.
At everything I do, there will always be someone better. It's true, in this life, I'll never be perfect. Neither will you.
There's always someone out there better than me. Someone smarter, skinnier, prettier. With whiter teeth, longer hair, and better grades. I'll never be as nice as this person, or as funny as that person. They'll always be better at singing or better at running.
But, if I've learned anything in my life, it's that God doesn't care about that. He doesn't look at me and see the short, fat, yellow teethed, bratty girl that I see when I look in the mirror. He sees all of my potential. He sees all that I can become. And what he sees is the only thing that matters.
So even though I feel like my prayers aren't being answered, that I'm the ugliest person on the earth, that I'm the stupidest person who has ever lived, and that I'll never amount to anything, I'll just have to trust in God...

By the Grace of God

http://youtu.be/HfIZ7WXvDxo

A New Kind of Love

It's been almost an entire month since I've been back from Thailand and I can't even believe it. Time has flown. This week has been a wild one because I found out my parents are moving and it will probably be the hardest goodbye I'll ever have to say. I moved out once again and I'm loving it already. It'll be nice being away from home with all the hustle and bustle of moving.

On another note, I've noticed that since coming back from my crazy adventure in Thailand, I have a new love for people. Not only do I love all of the people that I met while exploring Chiang Mai, but a love for people here in the U.S. I've also found that I have a new kind of love for people that I didn't necessarily love before I left. Something about the culture of Thailand changed me. I'm not sure if it was the way the people loved and accepted everyone they way they come, if it's the different experience I had, or if it was my mental break downs every week on the phone with my mom, but something is indeed different.
I can't help but think of an old woman that I met one night in Fang, Thailand. Her name was Omi. She didn't know any English, and I know no Thai, but she was so kind to me. She could tell that I was exhausted from a long day of work, and frustrated by the endless amounts of mosquitoes. She motioned to me to sit by her and she simply fanned the bugs off of me while my eyes got heavy.
I love that woman. I never saw her again, and I probably never will, but I'll never forget the way she smiled at me with her brown rotted teeth and made me feel better when I was having a hard time.
People like this have taught me to love with a new kind of love ❤️.

Where I Stand (by Molly Shapleigh)

http://www.thisiswhereistand.org/to-all-who-struggle-with-an-eating-disorder-an-open-letter-about-recovery/

Thailand: Week 8

Hey everyone,
So this was kind of uneventful. I went to work everyday and it was the usual. Played with the kids for 9 hours 5 days out of the week. They're all so adorable that I want to take them all home with me. My favorite part of work is definitely nap time. It's very hot, but the fans make it durable.
Although the week was ordinary, the weekend was not. On Friday night I came into the city to sleep over because we had to get up kind of early for our adventures on Saturday. We met up at the church Saturday morning and took a long nice drive in the back of Bird's (old branch president here) truck. Pretty typical here. An hour and a half later we get to this dirt road and Bird stops. He opens the car door, yells something in Thai, closes the door, and BAM. Pedal to the metal. We shoot up this dirt road and are all flying all over the bed of the truck. It was like the Indiana Jones ride in Disneyland except we didn't have seat belts. In fact, we didn't have seats. When he stopped two minutes later we were all in tears from laughing so hard.
We then walk down to this cool waterfall and play in the freezing water for a while. Us girls had a nice time reenacting moments from The Little Mermaid. We also jumped off some scary rocks so that's fun.
When we were done, Bird tells us we're going on a hike. Now, Bird is crazy. That's the bottom line. He takes us on this hike with no path, straight up a flipping mountain, and through the rushing river. I most certainly ripped a HUGE hole in my Thai pants and got many cuts and bruises from the falls. To sum that up, I was pretty mad at the fact that we had to scale the side of a mountain, but overall it was fun.
We get back to the car literally covered in mud. Drive a little bit and then stop for lunch. After lunch we rode elephants!!! It was so fancy. I loved it. We even named the elephants! Fanny/Pamela, Ellie, and Watermelon was the baby elephant. They are such fun animals, really I'm considering buying one right now.
After that amazing experience we went to a river and rafted down on bamboo rafts. We had two rafts, so three people on each. You guys know me, I'm pretty competitive so of course we had to race down the river (we won). I felt like I fulfilled my dream of becoming a pirate when I was standing there with my stick,  dodging vines. It was so fun, but each time we hit a rock or the other raft, I would get thrown forward and most likely fall down. I came out of that with more bruises than that dumb hike.
Anyway, that's all! Sorry this is so long! 

Thailand: Week 7 (Birthday Week)

Hey ya'll,
Another week has gone by here in the land of mosquito bites and sweat. This week I got to help more with the children at school and although they don't really like me, I sure do like them! As you may know, my birthday was on Thursday. It was probably one of the best work days I've had yet. After watching the kids do their morning dancing we all headed out to a different building where the faculty usually has meetings. We had a little ceremony where the kids honored the teachers and the teachers blessed the children (or something). I got a blessing from my boss so that's cool. And then we had ice cream! Best birthday ever!!! 
Later that night the other girls surprised me and took me out to Mexican food. That was a nice birthday tradition continued. 
Friday we went to some floating cabins out on a reservoir. It was probably one of the coolest things ever. We stayed outside for the whole night. We slept out on the dock and woke up to the sunrise. Saturday morning we hiked up to a bat cave that monks watch over and talked to the monks for awhile. When we left the reservoir we went to a cool waterfall. It was cool because the rocks under the waterfall were rough and we could literally climb up the waterfall. We went up and down a few times and just spent some time getting nice and wet. It was a blast!
That night we went back to the city and got some good ice cream that Chris bought for me for my birthday. So pretty much the best birthday weekend ever! I love all of this nature. It's so so beautiful and I'm thinking I might actually miss it when I leave. 

Thailand: Week 6!!

Hello Family!!
This week here in Thailand was just another adventure. I went to work on Monday morning and guess what?? The school I'm supposed to work at finally started!! Hallelujah !! I got to go into the autistic class and help with their music and their lunch. It's super strange here. A lot of the kids aren't potty trained and don't wear diapers. So when they get their pants dirty they always have a few changes of clothes in their backpacks. The teachers just take them to the back, give them a bath, and put new clothes on. They also give haircuts at school I guess. They just shaved some kid's head... Haha. The rest of the week I just helped in that class or sat around and read. 
On Friday the director of the school invited me to go to a meeting with him in Lampang. I didn't want to go but it was pretty much decided for me. I had no idea that this city was so far away or that the meeting would be so long or that they would stop 2567544 times along the way. He told me we'd be back by 4:30 so I could go to town and meet up with my group. He lied. At 4:30 all of the directors from the area met up at a restaurant, got 3 bottles of whiskey, and partied for a good 2 hours. I got to hangout with a bunch of old drunk Asian men and to be honest it was not the most fun I've ever had.
At 8:30 I finally got back to Mae Rim (where I live) and my host mom drove me to Chiang Mai to meet up with the group. 
Saturday was an amazing day! We went to Sukhothai and got to explore the ruins while on bikes. I'm super great at riding bikes and I definitely crashed into one of the other girls and we both fell on the ground laughing our heads off. Best part of the day(; but seriously this place was amazing and I can't wait to show you pictures!
Okay that's all for now folks,
Mandy(:

Thailand: Week 5 (halfway there)

Dearest Family,
So you may know, but this week started out pretty darn bad. I waited all day Sunday for my host mom to pick me up, and at 10 pm she called and said she wasn't coming too Monday. Luckily, Monday was a holiday (Buddha's Birthday) and for this holiday the entire city of Chiang Mai walks up a mountain to this temple and circle it three times. It has something to do with a legend about an albino elephant walking up that mountain, walking in three circles, and falling down dead. Anyways, so some of the other girls doing internships wanted to go up so of course I had to do it. Who doesn't want to say they walked up a mountain in Thailand? 
The four of us started walking at about 11:00 pm and at 12:30 two of the girls decided to go back to the city. I was having a good time so I stuck it out and went to the top. After about 8 miles and three hours Torri and I got to the temple. Then of course there are the famous stairs. Sooo many stairs and sooo many people. It took us 45 minutes just to get up those dumb things.
After seeing the temple and deciding that 3:00 am was a good time for bed, we headed back down. It's hard to believe that there were more people on my way down than on my way up. There were guards directing traffic (both cars and pedestrians). About 1/4 of the way down the mountain Torri and I got separated. I thought we'd both walk around a truck and meet up, but I didn't see her. I waited for 5 minutes and decided that she had just kept going. Oh, I forgot to mention that both of our phones were out of minutes. Bad planning... 
After walking another 1/2 hour by myself and feeling like I was going to die at any moment, I said a silent prayer. Literally right when I was done a taxi pulled up and turned around in front of my. I immediately jumped on and took it to the bottom. I got down like an hour later and asked the driver to take me to the place I was staying. He said he had to go and drove back up the mountain to get more people. 
There are two kinds of taxis here. Rut Dangs and Tuk Tuks. Rut Dangs are cheap and Tuk Tuks are way expensive. So of course I wanted a rut dang, but they just kept going up and down the mountain, and weren't taking anyone into the city. I asked a Tuk Tuk how much it would be to take me back to the city and they said 350 baht (more than $10). I looked and to my dismay, I only had 140 baht left.
Long story long, Chris came and got me, we found Torri, and I'm safe. Really other than that, nothing else happened this week.
Until Next Time, 
Mandy (:

Thailand: Week 4

So this week was an interesting one. I was at a school I hadn't been to before, working in a class with all autistic children. It was pretty difficult, not because of the learning disabilities, but because no one, including the teachers, spoke English. I never thought that that would be such a problem for me, but I realized that I cant do much when I don't know what people are telling me to do. I kinda broke down the first day there and had to call mom and complain because the teacher just kept repeating herself in Thai.. Cause yeah that helps me understand. Ugh. But after that things got better. Each day got a little easier, and by my last day I was sad to leave those cute kids.
This week I also got my first Thai massage. These things are not like anything you've seen before. The old women bend your body in all these weird positions and some of them hurt pretty bad. I was trying the entire time not to laugh cause I felt so ridiculous!! 
Yesterday I got to go to a cooking class and I made some crazy Thai food. So when I get home I'll have to make it for you all. Before we cooked we went to a market and at this market there was a huge section of meat. If you guys know me at all, you know that I'm not a huge meat eater. And here in Thailand they aren't afraid of anything. So... I walked in and there are intestines, pig feet, pig heads, livers, anything you can imagine that would kill a vegetarian. After that I decided to cut back on the meat I've been eating here. It was rough, guys. 
Anyway, that's about it for this last week. Hope to hear from you all soon!
-Mandy(:

Thailand: Weeks 1, 2, & 3

So I'm in Thailand for the next 6 weeks and I'll be emailing my family about it and thought I'd just post my emails on my blog as well. Here ya go.

Hey ya'll,

I've been feeling like a missionary since I got here to Chiang Mai, so I have decided I will write like one. I know mom really misses those weekly emails(; anyway, first things first, my flights here were all fine. I know that Heavenly Father was watching over me because there's no way I could have made it through those airports on my own. Especially the Taiwan Airport.. Jeez.

Okay so I have the sweetest host family ever! My host mom's name is Kunt (pronounced Coong) and she feeds me nonstop. I'm pretty sure I've gained about 8 pounds, but whatever. At least I have no idea what I'm eating 88% of the time.. My host dad doesn't speak any English AT ALL. He's pretty funny. He smokes, drinks, and has a nice loud laugh. Let's be real I have no idea what his name is.. It sounds something like "pudding". He thinks I'm funny too do we get along pretty well. I have a host little brother (13) named Deft and  he has never spoken to me. He also doesn't speak English. And then I have a host little sister (5). Her name sounds something like "deep". She's stinkin' cute. She loves dancing and eating fish eyeballs. So grateful for that because hopefully I will never get the chance to taste one!

As for work, I will be working at a special needs school once school actually starts. Way more exciting than just teaching English!! And until then I go to the hospital to help out with little kids who have cancer, and some days I'll go to another school for orphans. It's been so fun minus the 6 bloody noses already. 

Anyways, I don't want to make this superrrr long so I'll end it. But just remember that I probably love you and I absolutely hate roosters! (They don't stop). 

Until next week,

Mandy

Something 'bout Suicide

I've been thinking lately about my experience with suicide and the choice that I have made in order to stop myself from choosing that path. I remember once, when I was very depressed and suicidal, a conversation I had with one of my therapists. After being torn down by others, I told my therapist that I wanted to get back at those people by killing myself. I could imagine myself dead, those individuals who hurt me finding out, and their lives dramatically changing because they "caused it". My therapist just stared at me for a minute. After the awkward pause she gave me the funniest look. Then she said to me, "So, you're going to throw you life away, your future, your family, all you've done, just to make those insignificant people feel bad?" This question dawned on me. I had never thought of it that way. I was being so selfish. Why would anyone do that? I was in high school, hadn't even lived my life, and was willing to toss it all out the window just to prove a point. How stupid.
I think about this conversation a lot now. Anytime people say something that offends me or makes me cry, I just have to remember that they won't be in my life forever. I get to choose who stays in my life and who makes me happy. If I would have killed myself after that incident, sure those people would feel bad for a while. But who knows? Maybe it wouldn't phase them at all.
Also, if it did phase those people, what if I ruined their lives? I didn't even think that maybe, just maybe, It could change them in the worst way. I didn't think about how that could truly impact someone and their future, having to carry that burden. Again, how selfish of me...
Life is so much more than bullies and drama queens. I have hope that someday I'll get married, have children, and feel safe. I have hope that life really does get better. I already know that life is more than just high school. And I'm not going to give up my life just to make someone else feel bad about theirs.

Fight.

http://youtu.be/LVxon65u3tA
Been having a really tough time these past couple weeks, but someone shared this song with me and I love it. It's perfect.

Slip. Lapse.. Relapse...

Slip:to slide suddenly or involuntarily; to lose one's foothold, as on a smooth surface
Lapse:an accidental or temporary decline or deviation from an expected or accepted condition or state; a temporary falling or slipping from a previous standard 
Relapse: to fall back into illness after convalescence or apparent recovery.

LOVE

"Words of hope and encouragement come from Christ. Anytime you feel down on yourself, remember that those thoughts are LIES. You are incredible. You are beautiful. You are wonderful, important, wise, and loved. Remember the truth. And listen to it."

The Question that Stopped Me

This was one of the questions that always popped into my head while considering suicide. Of course I don't know the answer, but I like to think that God will have mercy on those who struggle so much that they have the want to end their own lives. My doctor and good friend once told me that God would never stop loving you. He made an analogy that goes along the lines of, "if you come home from school early, and your parents find out, will they stop loving you? No. They will be sad and disappointed, but will never cease to love you. The same goes for your Heavenly Father. He won't stop loving you if you come 'home' early, but he will feel despair and sadness that you felt the need to give up. He wants us to succeed. He will never cease to love us."